Me

these are my thoughts, ideas and dreams…

i love you October 14, 2009

Filed under: love — kayceelynn @ 6:02 pm
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i love you

i love you

i love you

i love you

i can’t get you out of my mind or my heart.  i thought if i could show you how wonderful i was, that you would love me.  alas, yo do not; at least not in the way that i need to be loved.  i’m too much, yet i’m not enough…  you seduced me with your lovely flattering words.  it’s because of you that i have the strength to be who i am today.  you made me believe that i was worthy and lovely and wonderful.  it’s because of you that i have accomplished feats i’d never have even considered before.  you were there for me, a stranger floating in cyber space; our love letters bouncing off the satellite to each other’s hearts.  today i am lost.  a part of me is missing and i feel off balance, out-of-place, a lost soul stumbling aimlessly through out my days.  i love you with every beat of my heart and i’m sorry.  i didn’t mean to.   

i love you

 

what makes you happy? December 22, 2008

Filed under: inspirational, life, love, music, poetry — kayceelynn @ 10:49 am
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Things that make me Happy…

Sandburs…

Sandburs still stuck in the bottom of my running shoes…

Finding them on my clothes when I’m having a bad day…

Sandburs;  my memoirs of then…

Cupcakes topped with fluffy icing in soft hues of pink, blue, purple, green and yellow…

Running…

Thunderstorms…

Soft sand under my toes…

Kittens…

Banana snowballs with condensed milk on top…

Puppies…

The rain serenading outside my window and on my rooftop…

Music…

The sunrise…

Standing in the ocean and looking at my feet…

Freedom…

Chocolate and coffee…

Kissing and meaning it…

Second chances…

Sunkissed skin…

Dancing…

Massages…

Laughter of my children…

Wine, fruit, cheese, salt cured meats, chewy bread and a movie…

Loving and not holding back…

Being in a boat on the river…

Wisdom…

Accepting life as it comes…

Being sad…

Waves crashing on the shore…

Hugs and kisses from my angels…

Not knowing what tomorrow holds…

Nothing…

Everything…

But right now, sandburs make me extremely happy…

 

 

 

just listen to the words…  wow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCkhoOIIcok

 

always here,

kaycee lynn

 

 

 

 

I. Once. Laughed. In. The. Face. Of. A. Maniac. November 25, 2008

Filed under: inspirational, life, love, poetry — kayceelynn @ 9:43 am
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I once laughed in the face of a maniac

I laughed at the desperate pleas he plead

Laughed at the thoughts running through his head

Laughed when with pointed fingers he accused

Me; and my heart with words he abused

 

I am now the maniac

Grasping and clinging to the sourness around

Ripping and tearing and shredding through sound

Losing myself and my dignity in spite

Of all I try and try as I might

To hold on to every last bit of my heart

That’s being broken and torn apart

Broken over knees like dry fire logs

Lost and wondering through questioning fog

Pieces of me and bits of you

Thrown to the wind with all we do

Floating to the ground likes leaves in the fall

Between gaps in fingers of my own after all

 

Words cut through like the sharpest of knives

Gutting my heart from side to side

What’s left of my love spilling onto the floor

All of me still aching to be held and adored

Slowly time inches by liquid and dripping and leaking

Through cracks in the floor open and creaking

Escaping to a brighter place

Where sun shines warm on my lover’s face

Lips tongue and breath forming tender words of love

Golden beams washing down from above

Showering me I revel in my remedy

Bathing in virtue and pure symphony

Melodic waves running through

Open abrasions cuts and wounds

Stitching sewing and conclusive

Binding together what was torn and elusive

Torn at the seams will never be seamless

Lines map out history of hopeless and dreamless

Nights and days hours and minutes

Mistaking and learning permanent signets

Tattooed and drawn upon my essence

Pictures colored of past and present

Redemption is here I twirl and spin

Delighting in the radiance that beams out from within

 

I once laughed in the face of a maniac

I laughed at the desperate pleas he plead

Laughed at the thoughts running through his head

Laughed when with pointed fingers he accused

Me; and my heart with words he abused

 

 

God is inside me I believe this is true

Evermore through and through

And. This. Is. All. I. Need.

 

copy-of-copy-of-079610-r1-08-8241

 

la vie en rose November 12, 2008

Filed under: inspirational, love, movies, music — kayceelynn @ 5:13 pm
Tags: , ,

i have recently been introduced to foreign films and can’t get enough of them.  not knowing what foreign movies to chose, i randomly selected, la vie en rose; mainly because i recognized the title.  to my surprise, i made a wonderful choice.  marion cotillard, who at the moment is my favorite actress, plays the part of the legendary, edith piaf.  this a magnificant movie.  i loved it!  watch it.

la vie en rose

Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs
And tho I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose

When you press me to your heart
I’m in a world apart
A world where roses bloom

And when you speak…angels sing from above
Everyday words seem…to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7psSTndmDI

one of my favorite scenes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgzz88WtKy4

edith piaf – no regrets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YGXsw3XK9I

 

joshua dean tannehill September 11, 2008

Filed under: inspirational, life, love — kayceelynn @ 10:10 pm
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i could write about where i was seven years ago today, what i was doing, and how i knew our world would never be the same, but i’m just not feeling it right now. 

i’ve been thinking about an old friend today.  i don’t know why.  there is nothing significant that would remind me of him, but he crossed my thoughts today.  joshua dean tannehill.  i know some of you know exactly who i’m speaking of and a smile has probably appeared on your face.  i met josh when i was 14 at the skating rink on “christian” skate night.  we did not attend the same church.  he was a p.k. (pastor’s kid) and lived up to the reputation, as it were.  he wasn’t bad, just trouble; good trouble.  his dad’s church was about an hour from mine.  since the first time i laid eyes on josh, that was it.  i was head over heels, out of my brains, couldn’t breath in love.  i was done.  there’d be no more searching for me.  my years of agonizing waiting for the right one was over.  josh was it.  i don’t remember him feeling the same way about me right away, but we kept running into each other for the next few years at church functions.  he always seemed to pop up when i was feeling and looking my worse.  one night he showed up at my church and asked me for my number.  i never thought he’d call, but oh my god, he did!  so, i started going to his basketball games and what not.  we were never allowed to date, but we did hang out sometimes.  i remember going to pick him up from his school (i have no idea why).  he was driving my car.  we were at a red light and he kept asking me to kiss him, “come on kaycee.  kaycee, come on.  just a little one, on the cheek…” okay, i decided i could compromise and kiss his cheek.  as i leaned in, he turned his face to mine and planted one on my lips.  that was josh.  always pushing the limits.  he was great.  we kept in and out of touch through our teenage years.  he used to call me his “little cajun queen”.  he was so corny and it embarrassed me a little, but secretly i liked it.  i remember when he joined the marine’s.  he called to tell me and ask if we could do something to “celebrate”.  i remember the night went something like this, ”come on kaycee, we could get married and you could join the marine’s, too.  we could be stationed together.  it’ll be wonderful. “  how romantic, right?  the proposal of a lifetime.  sadly, i had to tell him he was crazy and there was no way i was going to join the marine’s.  life happens.  you lose touch with the ones that really mean the most and it sucks.  i got caught up in my own self destructive lifestyle.  i remember sitting on a swing one night that he had come to visit.  he wanted me.  he wanted me, kaycee lynn johnson, but i was wrapped up in a dead end nothing and let him go.  that was the last time i spoke to josh.  on my one year anniversary to my husband, josh and his father were killed in a boating incident.  they had gone out fishing and a storm came up.  i saw it on the news; on my one year anniversary.  tell me that won’t mess with your head.  as sad as it is, it’s kind of romantic.  he and his dad were very close and loved each other very much.  i know they were together then and knew that they’d be together in heaven.  i often wonder if he thought of me in those last moments.  did i cross his mind?  would he cross mine if i were in the same situation?  am i just a silly girl?  i don’t know, but it doesn’t feel right.  he should still be here.  it’s so hard for me to believe that i will never get those moments back; i’ll never get the chance to see him, tell him about my kids, my life, ask him about his life, tell him i’m sorry; nothing…  josh made me feel so wonderful; treated me with respect and value and i never thought i deserved it.  i never believed him.  i do now. 

josh, i loved you then, i love you now and i will always love you.  you had such a free spirit.  the thought of you makes me smile even now.  if you were here, i’d tell you that i don’t care that you ran away to mexico with shelly (or whatever her name was).  thank you for showing me how important it is to stay in touch with people who have impacted my life; don’t let life get in the way of things that really matter.  and when you have something wonderful, hang on to it even when you think you don’t deserve it.  you showed me what it was like to openly love; even though it took me a few years to realize it.  i’ll never forget you.   thank you for everything you have taught me. 

you know what’s funny?  his phone number is still in my mom’s address book at home.  crazy.

josh,

i still think of you and i still love you.  it still doesn’t seem right that you aren’t here.  i don’t understand death at all.  it was so much easier to understand as a child:  people get old and die; sometimes babies die; sometimes people are killed in car accidents, but it was something that just happened; like it was natural.  but the older i get the more unnatural death seems.  is there a point to that?  is it because we were never intended to die, but live eternally?