what makes you happy? December 22, 2008

Things that make me Happy…

Sandburs…

Sandburs still stuck in the bottom of my running shoes…

Finding them on my clothes when I’m having a bad day…

Sandburs;  my memoirs of then…

Cupcakes topped with fluffy icing in soft hues of pink, blue, purple, green and yellow…

Running…

Thunderstorms…

Soft sand under my toes…

Kittens…

Banana snowballs with condensed milk on top…

Puppies…

The rain serenading outside my window and on my rooftop…

Music…

The sunrise…

Standing in the ocean and looking at my feet…

Freedom…

Chocolate and coffee…

Kissing and meaning it…

Second chances…

Sunkissed skin…

Dancing…

Massages…

Laughter of my children…

Wine, fruit, cheese, salt cured meats, chewy bread and a movie…

Loving and not holding back…

Being in a boat on the river…

Wisdom…

Accepting life as it comes…

Being sad…

Waves crashing on the shore…

Hugs and kisses from my angels…

Not knowing what tomorrow holds…

Nothing…

Everything…

But right now, sandburs make me extremely happy…

 

 

 

just listen to the words…  wow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCkhoOIIcok

 

always here,

kaycee lynn

 

 

 

I. Once. Laughed. In. The. Face. Of. A. Maniac. November 25, 2008

I once laughed in the face of a maniac

I laughed at the desperate pleas he plead

Laughed at the thoughts running through his head

Laughed when with pointed fingers he accused

Me; and my heart with words he abused

 

I am now the maniac

Grasping and clinging to the sourness around

Ripping and tearing and shredding through sound

Losing myself and my dignity in spite

Of all I try and try as I might

To hold on to every last bit of my heart

That’s being broken and torn apart

Broken over knees like dry fire logs

Lost and wondering through questioning fog

Pieces of me and bits of you

Thrown to the wind with all we do

Floating to the ground likes leaves in the fall

Between gaps in fingers of my own after all

 

Words cut through like the sharpest of knives

Gutting my heart from side to side

What’s left of my love spilling onto the floor

All of me still aching to be held and adored

Slowly time inches by liquid and dripping and leaking

Through cracks in the floor open and creaking

Escaping to a brighter place

Where sun shines warm on my lover’s face

Lips tongue and breath forming tender words of love

Golden beams washing down from above

Showering me I revel in my remedy

Bathing in virtue and pure symphony

Melodic waves running through

Open abrasions cuts and wounds

Stitching sewing and conclusive

Binding together what was torn and elusive

Torn at the seams will never be seamless

Lines map out history of hopeless and dreamless

Nights and days hours and minutes

Mistaking and learning permanent signets

Tattooed and drawn upon my essence

Pictures colored of past and present

Redemption is here I twirl and spin

Delighting in the radiance that beams out from within

 

I once laughed in the face of a maniac

I laughed at the desperate pleas he plead

Laughed at the thoughts running through his head

Laughed when with pointed fingers he accused

Me; and my heart with words he abused

 

 

God is inside me I believe this is true

Evermore through and through

And. This. Is. All. I. Need.

 

The Bell Jar November 19, 2008

i love, love, love reading something i’ve heard or read before, but didn’t know where it came from.  or better yet, knowing where it came from, but then it intersects with completely different path of life.  it’s like, “wow”.  but maybe our “paths” aren’t really that far apart.  maybe we each have an imaginary bubble around us and as we choose different “paths”, the scenery changes.  maybe it’s just one long path and it only changes in our mind.  is it curved or straight?  is it dirt or paved?  does it loop-de-loop?  who came up with the comparison of our life choices being paths anyway?  Surely it was thought of long before Robert Frost. 

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart.  I am I am I am.” – Sylvia Plath, “The Bell Jar”.  It’s like finding a treasure that i wasn’t even searching for.  or maybe i was searching, since in a way we are all searching for something.  but, i’m not going down that path today…  i have just finished, “The Bell Jar”.  it was everything a book should be.  Lovely.  Colorful.  Funny.  Quirky.  Smart.  Graceful.  Appreciated.  I absolutely loved it.  I will read it again, for certain.  Read it. 

 

la vie en rose November 12, 2008

i have recently been introduced to foreign films and can’t get enough of them.  not knowing what foreign movies to chose, i randomly selected, la vie en rose; mainly because i recognized the title.  to my surprise, i made a wonderful choice.  marion cotillard, who at the moment is my favorite actress, plays the part of the legendary, edith piaf.  this a magnificant movie.  i loved it!  watch it.

la vie en rose

Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs
And tho I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose

When you press me to your heart
I’m in a world apart
A world where roses bloom

And when you speak…angels sing from above
Everyday words seem…to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7psSTndmDI

one of my favorite scenes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgzz88WtKy4

edith piaf – no regrets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YGXsw3XK9I

…. November 11, 2008

i just went for a run…

it’s 10 degrees out…

it was a superb run…

it was more wonderful than i imagined it would be…

however, i would rather run in the heat…

but just to know it can be done is quite a confidence boost…

Florida: Great Friends, Food, Music, Movies, and Laughter October 28, 2008

As you may or may not know, I have recently spent a few weeks in Florida.  I appologize to those I did not make contact with while I was there.  I just really needed some “me” time.  It was all I dreamed it would be and more.  The beach was so perfect.  The sand so white and soft.  The water blue green and clear; it felt so wonderful against my skin.  It was the first time I’d been swimming outside two or three years!!  That’s what Alaska does for you.  The sun was so warm, hot actually; I love feeling it hot and burning on my skin.  I love actually feeling myself tanning.  I imagine that I’m this delicious juicy turkey roasting in the oven.  Okay, that was weird, but it’s true, kind of.  I love shopping at the outlets in my tank top, shorts and flip flops – IN OCTOBER!!!!  You southerners take it for granted.  You shouldn’t. 

I had a wonderful time with wonderful friends.  I have such great true friends and I am so grateful for each one of you.  I loved waking up to the sun shining in, having coffee on the porch, listening to great music, laughing, loving, sharing life and just being alive.   I had so many wonderful experiences that I will treasure for ever.  My mom and dad came to see me and that was so amazing.  It has been at least seven years since it’s been just me, my mom and my dad!  It’s always been me, cory and the kids.  It was so wonderful to get to spend time with just them.  The worse part of their visit was watching LSU get smoked by the Gators.  But, if we’re going to lose to some one, the Gators are a decent team to lose to.  We shopped and ate and walked the pier and on the beach, right where Gabby got married… tear.  It was a great experience and bonding moment for us.  And when we left to go our separate ways, it was just the same as when I lived in Florida, sad.  I wanted to cry and I know they did, too.  Why are good byes so hard?  I know I’m going to see them again, so why was it so hard to let go of their embraces?

On my way home, landing in Anchorage, we flew over two moose grazing through patches of snow at the end of the runway.  It was a reminder of what I was coming back to.  It’s not that Alaska is so bad, I’m just a humidity lovin’ southern girl.  I love it!  I love the mosquitos and the fire ants and the lizards and the snakes and the roaches.  I love the river and the ocean.  I love airconditioning!!  I love the unbreathable heat that hits you like a ton of bricks when you go to get in your car in August.  I miss summer nights, sitting on the swing or lying in the hammock and watching the stars – IN SHORTS AND A TANK TOP!!  I miss drinking coffee because I love the taste of it not because I’m cold and need something to warm me up.  I miss thinking 60 degrees is cold.  I miss it.  I miss it so much that I cried the first four days that I was back.  The only reason I haven’t cried in the past three days, is I haven’t let myself go there in my mind.  My flights were so back to back I was boarding as I soon as I got off the previous flight.  I had no time to change.  When I landed in Fairbanks, where it was 15 degrees, wearing long sleeves and flip flops, we had to exit the plane on the tarmat.  Welcome to Alaska!! 

I missed my kids like crazy!  They missed me a lot, as well.  Canaan still tells me how much he missed me when I was gone.  That was really hard, but my vacation was much needed.  I have no regrets about leaving my kids for two weeks.  They survived being alone with their father and he survived being alone with them.  It made us stronger.  It made me realize how much I do love my kids and want them to be happy and healthy.  They are so wonderful!  I am the luckiest mom in the world.  I love you, my darlings!  Grow strong and grounded in the faith of God’s Love. 

“If You Ain’t Got Love” – Mason Jennings cover

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wUknk8X2v8

You’ve Got Mail October 2, 2008

i love this movie.  it is probably my favorite romantic comedy, EVER.  it reminds me of a more simple time in my life when my days consisted of me getting up, me going to work, me going to the gym, me going home to my dorm room, me eating dinner, me taking a shower, me watching a movie and me going to bed only to wake up and do it all over again.  aahhh yes, long gone are the days of ME.  still, i remember them so clearly.  i also remember wanting more; wanting what i have now.  only, what i have now isn’t the way i imagined or dreamed it would be.  in fact, it’s exactly the opposite of what i thought it would be.  life is hard sometimes.  i struggle with what others are going to think about me (mainly “church folk” “religious farts” and people who don’t know me at all) (sometimes), with consequences of my actions, with my faith, with anger and unforgiveness and bitterness, with resentment, with emotional scars that haven’t been given time to heal before being re-opened, with feeling invisible, with my “purpose”…  i do not struggle with believing that God sees me, knows my name, created me for a reason, hears my cries, loves me, holds me in the palm of his hand, that i am the apple of his eye, that above all:  HE KNOWS WHO I AM.  it’s the only thing that keeps me going, keeps a smile on my face, a song in my heart, a dance in my step, the heart in my chest beating, keeps love for others in my heart.  i know that i know that i know, beyond any reasoning, that he sees ME.  i just know it.  this counters all of my doubts.  now, if i could just remember it all of the time!!  good night dear friends.  thanks for listening…

joshua dean tannehill September 11, 2008

i could write about where i was seven years ago today, what i was doing, and how i knew our world would never be the same, but i’m just not feeling it right now. 

i’ve been thinking about an old friend today.  i don’t know why.  there is nothing significant that would remind me of him, but he crossed my thoughts today.  joshua dean tannehill.  i know some of you know exactly who i’m speaking of and a smile has probably appeared on your face.  i met josh when i was 14 at the skating rink on “christian” skate night.  we did not attend the same church.  he was a p.k. (pastor’s kid) and lived up to the reputation, as it were.  he wasn’t bad, just trouble; good trouble.  his dad’s church was about an hour from mine.  since the first time i laid eyes on josh, that was it.  i was head over heels, out of my brains, couldn’t breath in love.  i was done.  there’d be no more searching for me.  my years of agonizing waiting for the right one was over.  josh was it.  i don’t remember him feeling the same way about me right away, but we kept running into each other for the next few years at church functions.  he always seemed to pop up when i was feeling and looking my worse.  one night he showed up at my church and asked me for my number.  i never thought he’d call, but oh my god, he did!  so, i started going to his basketball games and what not.  we were never allowed to date, but we did hang out sometimes.  i remember going to pick him up from his school (i have no idea why).  he was driving my car.  we were at a red light and he kept asking me to kiss him, “come on kaycee.  kaycee, come on.  just a little one, on the cheek…” okay, i decided i could compromise and kiss his cheek.  as i leaned in, he turned his face to mine and planted one on my lips.  that was josh.  always pushing the limits.  he was great.  we kept in and out of touch through our teenage years.  he used to call me his “little cajun queen”.  he was so corny and it embarrassed me a little, but secretly i liked it.  i remember when he joined the marine’s.  he called to tell me and ask if we could do something to “celebrate”.  i remember the night went something like this, ”come on kaycee, we could get married and you could join the marine’s, too.  we could be stationed together.  it’ll be wonderful. “  how romantic, right?  the proposal of a lifetime.  sadly, i had to tell him he was crazy and there was no way i was going to join the marine’s.  life happens.  you lose touch with the ones that really mean the most and it sucks.  i got caught up in my own self destructive lifestyle.  i remember sitting on a swing one night that he had come to visit.  he wanted me.  he wanted me, kaycee lynn johnson, but i was wrapped up in a dead end nothing and let him go.  that was the last time i spoke to josh.  on my one year anniversary to my husband, josh and his father were killed in a boating incident.  they had gone out fishing and a storm came up.  i saw it on the news; on my one year anniversary.  tell me that won’t mess with your head.  as sad as it is, it’s kind of romantic.  he and his dad were very close and loved each other very much.  i know they were together then and knew that they’d be together in heaven.  i often wonder if he thought of me in those last moments.  did i cross his mind?  would he cross mine if i were in the same situation?  am i just a silly girl?  i don’t know, but it doesn’t feel right.  he should still be here.  it’s so hard for me to believe that i will never get those moments back; i’ll never get the chance to see him, tell him about my kids, my life, ask him about his life, tell him i’m sorry; nothing…  josh made me feel so wonderful; treated me with respect and value and i never thought i deserved it.  i never believed him.  i do now. 

josh, i loved you then, i love you now and i will always love you.  you had such a free spirit.  the thought of you makes me smile even now.  if you were here, i’d tell you that i don’t care that you ran away to mexico with shelly (or whatever her name was).  thank you for showing me how important it is to stay in touch with people who have impacted my life; don’t let life get in the way of things that really matter.  and when you have something wonderful, hang on to it even when you think you don’t deserve it.  you showed me what it was like to openly love; even though it took me a few years to realize it.  i’ll never forget you.   thank you for everything you have taught me. 

you know what’s funny?  his phone number is still in my mom’s address book at home.  crazy.

josh,

i still think of you and i still love you.  it still doesn’t seem right that you aren’t here.  i don’t understand death at all.  it was so much easier to understand as a child:  people get old and die; sometimes babies die; sometimes people are killed in car accidents, but it was something that just happened; like it was natural.  but the older i get the more unnatural death seems.  is there a point to that?  is it because we were never intended to die, but live eternally?

tears, laughter, music September 10, 2008

to continue a little from yesterday…

dammit!!  i just burned my mouth with coffee!  not just my tongue; my whole frickin’ mouth!!  cripes!  that sucks.  i’m not going to be able to taste all day.  oh well, such is life.  funny, it jerked my mind out my current situation for about 5 min.  thanks, coffee that was too hot.  anyway………

isn’t life just so funny?  so funny that you just wanna cry?  come to think of it, that’s not really funny at all, is it?  i find myself with difficult and crucial life changing choices to make.  one, in particular,  that will change the life of those around me, as well.  recently, there have been dark and cold moments in my life.  there have been a few people, angels, if you will, that have been closer than a brother or sister (or cuz) to me through this.  it means so so so much to me to be able to fully trust that those people have the absolute best intentions for me.  they have shown me the true meaning of love.  we have shared moments of laughter, moments of tears, and music.  it’s ironic that the people that i feel closest in my heart live thousands and thousands of miles away, yet i have felt your love and friendship as it you were sitting across the table from me enjoying cafe au’ lait and beneit’s.  i would like to say thank you to those people.  i cherish you.  i have hidden you in the deepest places in my heart, and there you, my treasure, will always be.  i look forward to many more moments in the future.  perhaps maybe actually sitting with you, laughing with you, crying with you, and being grateful with you, in person again;  just sharing life.  i will make my way home, dear friends.  then we will eat, drink and be merry.  i love you truly. 

i have compiled a small list of music that has really helped me through this.  it continues to lift my spirits, and i want to share them with you:

religious:     Jason Upton      

                   David Crowder - Remedy Club Tour Edition                                                                                     

not yet famous:     Laura Marling – Alas I Cannot Swim

                              Brett Dennen

                              Greg Laswell – 3 Flights From Alto Nido  tracks- that it moves;  how the day sounds

                              Dr. Dog – Fate - the whole cd is great

and my favorite    Mason Jennings – In the Ever – Fighter Girl “…come on kiss-a me, keep on kissing me…” okay Mason, if you insist…

ENJOY!  i love you always.  “be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle”

 

and my man…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0GsAfy8m5Y

it’s 12:30 am… September 9, 2008

it’s 12:30 a.m.  i just walked in from working.  yes.  i have a job.  one that pays money.  a little, anyway.  i work at barnes & noble.  i am a bookseller.  i figured if i can’t be in school right now, i might as well be around books.  maybe i’ll even read some of them. 

as i was driving home tonight the northern lights followed me from fairbanks to eielson afb.  they stretched across the sky from one end to the other; like a rainbow.  it amazed me and made feel like my time here is a little more worth it than i thought; or perhaps that god was smiling on me.  god…  i have to admit, my faith has been jolted.  well, not my faith.  i have faith, but maybe the voice of god?  people talk about hearing god all the time.  i believe that can happen.  but not too long ago, i had a friend, 27, who passed away of cancer.  all of her friends and family, literally thousands of people across the nation, were standing in faith praying.  so many people testify to hearing god say that amy was going to walk out of that hospital, including me.  amy did not walk out of that hospital; she flew on the wings of an angel to be with her jesus.  she went home.  heaven.  yes, i do believe that.  but, why did it not happen the way that so many of us “heard” it would?  i thought i have heard god speak to me before, but what if it was just a voice in my head or my heart?  where do we hear god?  we have the bible, but a lot of it has been lost in translation, so we read it and take it for what it’s worth; or what our pastor’s hear god say or reveal to them.  and i’m not doubting them or god.  i just don’t know where god speaks to me.  where do i hear him?  what does he sound like?  he speaks to me in nature for sure.  just look around; the trees, rivers, streams, animals, northern lights, people i meet, music, etc.  i do believe in a divine creator.  definately.  but what about his voice?  just writing down my thoughts for the evening.  good night.

look for music suggestions soon!! 

and save the drama for your mamma.

kc