i could write about where i was seven years ago today, what i was doing, and how i knew our world would never be the same, but i’m just not feeling it right now.
i’ve been thinking about an old friend today. i don’t know why. there is nothing significant that would remind me of him, but he crossed my thoughts today. joshua dean tannehill. i know some of you know exactly who i’m speaking of and a smile has probably appeared on your face. i met josh when i was 14 at the skating rink on “christian” skate night. we did not attend the same church. he was a p.k. (pastor’s kid) and lived up to the reputation, as it were. he wasn’t bad, just trouble; good trouble. his dad’s church was about an hour from mine. since the first time i laid eyes on josh, that was it. i was head over heels, out of my brains, couldn’t breath in love. i was done. there’d be no more searching for me. my years of agonizing waiting for the right one was over. josh was it. i don’t remember him feeling the same way about me right away, but we kept running into each other for the next few years at church functions. he always seemed to pop up when i was feeling and looking my worse. one night he showed up at my church and asked me for my number. i never thought he’d call, but oh my god, he did! so, i started going to his basketball games and what not. we were never allowed to date, but we did hang out sometimes. i remember going to pick him up from his school (i have no idea why). he was driving my car. we were at a red light and he kept asking me to kiss him, “come on kaycee. kaycee, come on. just a little one, on the cheek…” okay, i decided i could compromise and kiss his cheek. as i leaned in, he turned his face to mine and planted one on my lips. that was josh. always pushing the limits. he was great. we kept in and out of touch through our teenage years. he used to call me his “little cajun queen”. he was so corny and it embarrassed me a little, but secretly i liked it. i remember when he joined the marine’s. he called to tell me and ask if we could do something to “celebrate”. i remember the night went something like this, ”come on kaycee, we could get married and you could join the marine’s, too. we could be stationed together. it’ll be wonderful. “ how romantic, right? the proposal of a lifetime. sadly, i had to tell him he was crazy and there was no way i was going to join the marine’s. life happens. you lose touch with the ones that really mean the most and it sucks. i got caught up in my own self destructive lifestyle. i remember sitting on a swing one night that he had come to visit. he wanted me. he wanted me, kaycee lynn johnson, but i was wrapped up in a dead end nothing and let him go. that was the last time i spoke to josh. on my one year anniversary to my husband, josh and his father were killed in a boating incident. they had gone out fishing and a storm came up. i saw it on the news; on my one year anniversary. tell me that won’t mess with your head. as sad as it is, it’s kind of romantic. he and his dad were very close and loved each other very much. i know they were together then and knew that they’d be together in heaven. i often wonder if he thought of me in those last moments. did i cross his mind? would he cross mine if i were in the same situation? am i just a silly girl? i don’t know, but it doesn’t feel right. he should still be here. it’s so hard for me to believe that i will never get those moments back; i’ll never get the chance to see him, tell him about my kids, my life, ask him about his life, tell him i’m sorry; nothing… josh made me feel so wonderful; treated me with respect and value and i never thought i deserved it. i never believed him. i do now.
josh, i loved you then, i love you now and i will always love you. you had such a free spirit. the thought of you makes me smile even now. if you were here, i’d tell you that i don’t care that you ran away to mexico with shelly (or whatever her name was). thank you for showing me how important it is to stay in touch with people who have impacted my life; don’t let life get in the way of things that really matter. and when you have something wonderful, hang on to it even when you think you don’t deserve it. you showed me what it was like to openly love; even though it took me a few years to realize it. i’ll never forget you. thank you for everything you have taught me.
you know what’s funny? his phone number is still in my mom’s address book at home. crazy.
josh,
i still think of you and i still love you. it still doesn’t seem right that you aren’t here. i don’t understand death at all. it was so much easier to understand as a child: people get old and die; sometimes babies die; sometimes people are killed in car accidents, but it was something that just happened; like it was natural. but the older i get the more unnatural death seems. is there a point to that? is it because we were never intended to die, but live eternally?
