i love you October 14, 2009

i love you

i love you

i love you

i love you

i can’t get you out of my mind or my heart.  i thought if i could show you how wonderful i was, that you would love me.  alas, yo do not; at least not in the way that i need to be loved.  i’m too much, yet i’m not enough…  you seduced me with your lovely flattering words.  it’s because of you that i have the strength to be who i am today.  you made me believe that i was worthy and lovely and wonderful.  it’s because of you that i have accomplished feats i’d never have even considered before.  you were there for me, a stranger floating in cyber space; our love letters bouncing off the satellite to each other’s hearts.  today i am lost.  a part of me is missing and i feel off balance, out-of-place, a lost soul stumbling aimlessly through out my days.  i love you with every beat of my heart and i’m sorry.  i didn’t mean to.   

i love you

what makes you happy? December 22, 2008

Things that make me Happy…

Sandburs…

Sandburs still stuck in the bottom of my running shoes…

Finding them on my clothes when I’m having a bad day…

Sandburs;  my memoirs of then…

Cupcakes topped with fluffy icing in soft hues of pink, blue, purple, green and yellow…

Running…

Thunderstorms…

Soft sand under my toes…

Kittens…

Banana snowballs with condensed milk on top…

Puppies…

The rain serenading outside my window and on my rooftop…

Music…

The sunrise…

Standing in the ocean and looking at my feet…

Freedom…

Chocolate and coffee…

Kissing and meaning it…

Second chances…

Sunkissed skin…

Dancing…

Massages…

Laughter of my children…

Wine, fruit, cheese, salt cured meats, chewy bread and a movie…

Loving and not holding back…

Being in a boat on the river…

Wisdom…

Accepting life as it comes…

Being sad…

Waves crashing on the shore…

Hugs and kisses from my angels…

Not knowing what tomorrow holds…

Nothing…

Everything…

But right now, sandburs make me extremely happy…

 

 

 

just listen to the words…  wow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCkhoOIIcok

 

always here,

kaycee lynn

 

 

 

Let it snow, my ass… December 6, 2008

it was just like one of those movie scenes…  as i walked out of barnes & noble, i look up and it was magical!  the snow was falling so light and flaky agingst the grayish purple sky.  it was like i was inside of a snow globe.  tiny delicate flakes were sticking to my “nose and eyelashes” (to quote julie andrews, “my favorite things”).   aah!  the yule tide season hath surely arrived…

then i got to my “truck” and had to scrape a two inch layer of that fucking shit off…

stained December 3, 2008

 

 

 

I hide myself with in a flower

That wearing on your breast

You, unsuspectingly wear me, too

And Angels know the rest.

 

I hide myself with in my flower

That, fading from your vase,

You unsuspectingly feel for me,

Almost a loneliness.

 

-Emily Dickenson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In this world love has no color-

Yet how deeply my body is stained against yours.

 

-Izumi Shikibu

I. Once. Laughed. In. The. Face. Of. A. Maniac. November 25, 2008

I once laughed in the face of a maniac

I laughed at the desperate pleas he plead

Laughed at the thoughts running through his head

Laughed when with pointed fingers he accused

Me; and my heart with words he abused

 

I am now the maniac

Grasping and clinging to the sourness around

Ripping and tearing and shredding through sound

Losing myself and my dignity in spite

Of all I try and try as I might

To hold on to every last bit of my heart

That’s being broken and torn apart

Broken over knees like dry fire logs

Lost and wondering through questioning fog

Pieces of me and bits of you

Thrown to the wind with all we do

Floating to the ground likes leaves in the fall

Between gaps in fingers of my own after all

 

Words cut through like the sharpest of knives

Gutting my heart from side to side

What’s left of my love spilling onto the floor

All of me still aching to be held and adored

Slowly time inches by liquid and dripping and leaking

Through cracks in the floor open and creaking

Escaping to a brighter place

Where sun shines warm on my lover’s face

Lips tongue and breath forming tender words of love

Golden beams washing down from above

Showering me I revel in my remedy

Bathing in virtue and pure symphony

Melodic waves running through

Open abrasions cuts and wounds

Stitching sewing and conclusive

Binding together what was torn and elusive

Torn at the seams will never be seamless

Lines map out history of hopeless and dreamless

Nights and days hours and minutes

Mistaking and learning permanent signets

Tattooed and drawn upon my essence

Pictures colored of past and present

Redemption is here I twirl and spin

Delighting in the radiance that beams out from within

 

I once laughed in the face of a maniac

I laughed at the desperate pleas he plead

Laughed at the thoughts running through his head

Laughed when with pointed fingers he accused

Me; and my heart with words he abused

 

 

God is inside me I believe this is true

Evermore through and through

And. This. Is. All. I. Need.

 

The Bell Jar November 19, 2008

i love, love, love reading something i’ve heard or read before, but didn’t know where it came from.  or better yet, knowing where it came from, but then it intersects with completely different path of life.  it’s like, “wow”.  but maybe our “paths” aren’t really that far apart.  maybe we each have an imaginary bubble around us and as we choose different “paths”, the scenery changes.  maybe it’s just one long path and it only changes in our mind.  is it curved or straight?  is it dirt or paved?  does it loop-de-loop?  who came up with the comparison of our life choices being paths anyway?  Surely it was thought of long before Robert Frost. 

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart.  I am I am I am.” – Sylvia Plath, “The Bell Jar”.  It’s like finding a treasure that i wasn’t even searching for.  or maybe i was searching, since in a way we are all searching for something.  but, i’m not going down that path today…  i have just finished, “The Bell Jar”.  it was everything a book should be.  Lovely.  Colorful.  Funny.  Quirky.  Smart.  Graceful.  Appreciated.  I absolutely loved it.  I will read it again, for certain.  Read it. 

 

breast pumps and other misc items November 17, 2008

i am selling my stuff.  i am selling pianos, bedroom sets, and pretty much anything that i don’t absolutely need.  i’m going through my storage rooms full of baby items that i no longer have use for to sell.  there’s a high chair, a couple of mattresses, a few strollers, some toys and lo and behold my dear old handy dandy breast pump.  now, you breast feeding moms out there know that these liquid nourishment extractors cost a pretty penny.  so, i do what any normal junk hoarding woman would do, i list it on craig’s list.  that’s right.  there is a used breast pump for sale for the next lucky bidder.  any takers?  i know it’s not uncommon, it’s just funny to me.  i have stored up all these items in rooms in my home.  i see them everytime i add to the clutter, year by year, but it never crossed my mind how much time has gone by.  not only that, but i look back and i can hardly believe that i have given birth to two children and at least attempted to nourish them the way the good lord intended.  it’s something i never thought i’d do.  i always wanted children, but not to breast feed them.  but i did.  and i loved it.  anyway, that’s not the point.  the point is you can pretty much sell anything on craig’s list.  so thank you, craig.  where ever and who ever you are.  because of you, moms everywhere can sell and buy used breast pumps and probably much weirder items that i really don’t want to know about…

peace out, yo.

la vie en rose November 12, 2008

i have recently been introduced to foreign films and can’t get enough of them.  not knowing what foreign movies to chose, i randomly selected, la vie en rose; mainly because i recognized the title.  to my surprise, i made a wonderful choice.  marion cotillard, who at the moment is my favorite actress, plays the part of the legendary, edith piaf.  this a magnificant movie.  i loved it!  watch it.

la vie en rose

Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs
And tho I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose

When you press me to your heart
I’m in a world apart
A world where roses bloom

And when you speak…angels sing from above
Everyday words seem…to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7psSTndmDI

one of my favorite scenes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgzz88WtKy4

edith piaf – no regrets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YGXsw3XK9I

…. November 11, 2008

i just went for a run…

it’s 10 degrees out…

it was a superb run…

it was more wonderful than i imagined it would be…

however, i would rather run in the heat…

but just to know it can be done is quite a confidence boost…

Florida: Great Friends, Food, Music, Movies, and Laughter October 28, 2008

As you may or may not know, I have recently spent a few weeks in Florida.  I appologize to those I did not make contact with while I was there.  I just really needed some “me” time.  It was all I dreamed it would be and more.  The beach was so perfect.  The sand so white and soft.  The water blue green and clear; it felt so wonderful against my skin.  It was the first time I’d been swimming outside two or three years!!  That’s what Alaska does for you.  The sun was so warm, hot actually; I love feeling it hot and burning on my skin.  I love actually feeling myself tanning.  I imagine that I’m this delicious juicy turkey roasting in the oven.  Okay, that was weird, but it’s true, kind of.  I love shopping at the outlets in my tank top, shorts and flip flops – IN OCTOBER!!!!  You southerners take it for granted.  You shouldn’t. 

I had a wonderful time with wonderful friends.  I have such great true friends and I am so grateful for each one of you.  I loved waking up to the sun shining in, having coffee on the porch, listening to great music, laughing, loving, sharing life and just being alive.   I had so many wonderful experiences that I will treasure for ever.  My mom and dad came to see me and that was so amazing.  It has been at least seven years since it’s been just me, my mom and my dad!  It’s always been me, cory and the kids.  It was so wonderful to get to spend time with just them.  The worse part of their visit was watching LSU get smoked by the Gators.  But, if we’re going to lose to some one, the Gators are a decent team to lose to.  We shopped and ate and walked the pier and on the beach, right where Gabby got married… tear.  It was a great experience and bonding moment for us.  And when we left to go our separate ways, it was just the same as when I lived in Florida, sad.  I wanted to cry and I know they did, too.  Why are good byes so hard?  I know I’m going to see them again, so why was it so hard to let go of their embraces?

On my way home, landing in Anchorage, we flew over two moose grazing through patches of snow at the end of the runway.  It was a reminder of what I was coming back to.  It’s not that Alaska is so bad, I’m just a humidity lovin’ southern girl.  I love it!  I love the mosquitos and the fire ants and the lizards and the snakes and the roaches.  I love the river and the ocean.  I love airconditioning!!  I love the unbreathable heat that hits you like a ton of bricks when you go to get in your car in August.  I miss summer nights, sitting on the swing or lying in the hammock and watching the stars – IN SHORTS AND A TANK TOP!!  I miss drinking coffee because I love the taste of it not because I’m cold and need something to warm me up.  I miss thinking 60 degrees is cold.  I miss it.  I miss it so much that I cried the first four days that I was back.  The only reason I haven’t cried in the past three days, is I haven’t let myself go there in my mind.  My flights were so back to back I was boarding as I soon as I got off the previous flight.  I had no time to change.  When I landed in Fairbanks, where it was 15 degrees, wearing long sleeves and flip flops, we had to exit the plane on the tarmat.  Welcome to Alaska!! 

I missed my kids like crazy!  They missed me a lot, as well.  Canaan still tells me how much he missed me when I was gone.  That was really hard, but my vacation was much needed.  I have no regrets about leaving my kids for two weeks.  They survived being alone with their father and he survived being alone with them.  It made us stronger.  It made me realize how much I do love my kids and want them to be happy and healthy.  They are so wonderful!  I am the luckiest mom in the world.  I love you, my darlings!  Grow strong and grounded in the faith of God’s Love. 

“If You Ain’t Got Love” – Mason Jennings cover

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wUknk8X2v8